I’m a little bit of a fitnessoholic.There! I said it! Admitting is the first step to recovery right? I might need help but I couldn’t find a support group for this problem. I tried reaching out to friends but the usual response is “ it’s all in your head!”, or “stop being such a douche!” Nobody takes me seriously. I hope you will. So here goes.
Like all addictions, it started slowly. I guess in hindsight I was genetically predisposed to it.I mean, most the men in my family are addicted to drinking alcohol and in my case, its drinking protein shakes. Signs were all there. Doing crunches between study breaks, push up competitions and hours and hours of football practice. The aim was to keep running till I couldn’t walk anymore.The thought of going home before I was dead exhausted was as foreign to me as Tinder is to my grandmom.
I truly believe it’s a serious problem and I’m not the only one suffering.
As a regular gym goer (i hate the term rat) my addiction acts up in several different ways. For starters, my entire day is designed around my workout time. Some days I work in the evenings so that means I have to workout in the morning and this means breakfast has to be at a certain time. Certain tasks have to be moved like morning shower till after the workout and countless other minute details that I have to think about in order to have an effective workout. If it’s in the evening, then it’s even worse. Cos then I have to think about what I’m eating the whole day cos I don’t want to be full when I get to the gym while at the same time I can’t be hungry cos then I can’t push myself which means no gains. So I have to find the right balance. If I have a busy day then it’s always at the back of my mind that I need to hit the gym later. If I decide not to go to the gym cos of work or I couldn’t make it for some reason, then I always have an annoying voice at the back of my mind saying I have failed my duties as a man, just like a nagging wife.
This is what usually goes on when someone wants to make plans with me:
Her: Can we meet at 4?
Me: Thinking *FUUUCCCCKK!!! Goddamit that’s my gym time and tomorrow is push day and my shoulder is lagging*.
Wait let me check I think I have a meeting.
*opens calendar app and pretends to look at it while thinking wait, she wants to meet at 4. That means I can’t work out in the evening cos after 6 the gym is packed and also I’ll be obliged to eat something and I can’t work out immediately after. Well, my morning is free. I guess I could workout in the morning but then I have a meeting at 11 that means I would have to be ready by 10:30 that means gym at 8:30. But I’m working out in the evening today so can’t recover. I guess I could have a light lunch and work out at 3. Maybe finish by 4:30, one hour to have a shower and drive there. I’ll take a quick shower and be there by 5:15.*
Me: “I have a meeting. How about 5:15?”
Her: “No let’s meet at 5. It’ll get dark and I have to go home early.”
Me: Bloody fucking Sun.. “ok fine I ‘ll be there at 5:00”.
Her: “Great! Bye.”
Me: thinking *I guess I could cut down a few sets and leave early……….fuck that! let her wait for 15 mins*
If you schedule your meetings somewhere along this narrative my deepest sympathies. It’s not you. It’s not who you want to be. It’s the demon.
We haven’t even got to the fun part yet. The food. Never ending calculation and keeping track of what I ate and mentally doing the math. Wait, 50 grams of protein more. And no carbs. Shit how. When I’m in a restaurant with my friends and they can’t take no for an answer
Her: “OMG…. it’s heavenly. Like the best dessert ever! Here try it! Try it! Why won’t you try it?! Just one bite! Eat it!! EAT IT!!”
ME: Goddammit bitch who the fuck are you trying to be? My mom? just leave me the fuck alone before I … “Sure, Just a spoon. I’m really full actually”.
I’m the hated one. The switch from popular to the most hated is fast and easy. Just tell your friends and family you are eating healthy and love wheatgrass juice. Every time my friends and I go out, they either purposely order something deep fried which they know I won’t eat and when I don’t they force and try to shame me into eating it or they look at me like no one has ever disappointed them so much. They probably learned that look from their parents.
If I were to go binge drinking and club hopping, I would get at least 10 of my friends to join. If were to smoke a joint and decide to get fucked up, I will still have a few supporting friends. If I were to say let’s try Heroin tonight. There will still be at least one friend who will say “what the hell let’s do it, I know a guy who can get it”. But just mention kale salad and your friends and family will look at you like you murdered the family pet and got caught stealing your hot neighbor’s panties.
I Could have gone on a world tour, but I drank the money. Literally drank and ate the money in the form of protein shakes, protein bars, and chicken breasts.
My friends smoke and drink every day yet I’m the one who’s usually with a body issue. Injured knee, herniated disk, dislocated shoulder, torn bicep and countless other injuries. Walking around like an injured soldier wondering how long I need to rest before I can start squatting again. And trying to PR the week after an injury specifically after the doctor told me to rest for a month cos what the fuck does that fat piece of shit doctor know. Right?
All my internet bandwidth is spent watching Youtube fitness videos and looking at photos of athletes and fitness gurus on Instagram. 9gag barely makes me smile but I literally fall off the toilet laughing at the memes from Gymmemes page.
Here is a list of things to check if you have a fitness problem:
- All schedules must first pass the “Can I work out that day” criteria.
- Half of your salary is spent on overpriced salads or unnecessary protein shakes.
- You try not to eat around the people you love for the fear of rejection and look of disappointment from them.
- Food is not food anymore. It’s just macro numbers.
- You wish you had a nagging girlfriend, but all you have is a nagging self-conscious telling you you’re useless cos you missed a gym session.
- The day is a successful one only if you get a PR. All other accomplishments are secondary.
- You can relate more to Gym memes than 9gag.
- You know people cos of the time they workout at the gym.
- You give a silent head nod to acknowledge a person when you come across someone who works out at the same gym and you feel like you know each other but you don’t even know their first name.
- You lie to your friends that you’re busy and can’t make it while your actual plans are just to hit the gym or go for a group training session.
I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know what it is for. Every week I try to go to group training to try and exhaust myself and give up, only to feel more excited to go those death sessions the next week. I don’t know if there’s a cure. And I hope we can start a support group for people with this problem. And I would give anything to just be normal again. Except for my gains of course. Fuck off, I earned these abs. And I would love to change. If I could. Just give it all up. If I didn’t fucking LOVE IT SO MUCH!